The Death Note Variety Pack
by ikasamelindora
Summary: Come on in for some ranting and raving and things that need shaving.' This is a random collection, composed of one-shots. They will contain Death Note and will mostly all be humorous. Subject will vary, depending.
1. Invitation

~Welcome!

This, dear readers, is the ikasamelindora team's first foray into the Death Note fandom. This fic will mainly consist of random one-shot stories that we write up. At the moment, there are two pieces here, the first quite short and the second quite long. Both are...mostly crack, but we try. :D

Invitation comes from the odd conversations that come up when at a skating rink. It's yaoi, but it's really just an inside joke gone horribly wild; we're not RaitoXL obsessed.

Disclaimer: We do not own Death Note or any of its plot, characters, or shinigami. We _do_ however own the apples.

* * *

L sat at his computer, his eyes glued to the screen, as Raito Yagami paced behind him. It was dark in the room—just how L liked it—and the hum of electronics kept them from the verge of silence. Each time the silent supposed-Kira passed by, L would catch a whiff of his mouthwatering cologne—and wished Raito'd move closer so he could, er, smell it better.

Hours passed, the clicking of the keyboard the only sound present.

On and on, Raito paced, and on and on L typed, his fingers flying across the keys. It was monotonous, unending, until—

"Oi, L?"

_Yes my sweet?_ L thought inwardly, his lips forming the words silently.

"Well, erm, I was just gonna ask you if you wanted to…"

_OMG!_ He screamed in his mind, his eyes widening.

An anxious minute passed.

"If I wanted to…?" L prompted.

"Well, if maybe you wanted to come over to my house tonight…"

"And?!" L wanted to jump up and down. On Raito.

"And play with my big, hairy…"

"THE ANSWER IS YES!"

"Shinigami?"

Silence.

* * *


	2. Ryuk's Rant

The second installment, as mentioned. It's...really long and half of it's pointless. 'Cause that's how we _roll_.

Reviews are great. Constructive critiscm is incredibly appreciated. Flames will be chuckled over. Basically, it's all good!

Enjoy, because who knows when either of us'll get around to posting again.

Disclaimer: Really, if we owned Death Note, we wouldn't be writing about it here. So, I'm sure you readers can gather that we don't own it...which is probably a good thing.

* * *

Hey.

My name is Ryuk. I am a shinigami. _This_ is my apple. It, like most of the apples here in the world of humans, is vibrant red, round-esque, and very juicy.

I'm here to rant. Yes, to rant. Not because I'm angry, but because I find all of these humans and their interactions and relationships _hilarious_.

I'm also very bored.

…again.

First off, let's talk about Raito Yagami.

Raito is an odd guy. When I dropped my second Death Note, I never expected someone like him to find it, though, if it had been anyone else, everything probably wouldn't have been as amusing for as long. Raito finds my death note, and what does he decide to do? Eradicate the world's population of criminals, of course! This idealistic universe has apparently been forming in his head for quite a while, and he sees this death note as a way to make said universe a reality. Along the way, Raito develops a _major_ God-Complex.

So, here's the new death note owner, busy destroying various criminals, searching for a fantastical utopia, when along comes the world's _greatest _detective—_three _greatest detectives, technically—L. L challenges the one who kills criminals with heart attacks, who is dubbed Kira (_lame_) by the public, to a battle of wits, where life and death are at stake. Of course.

Inevitably, L finds out Raito is Kira, because of Raito's destruction of the FBI agent Raye-something.

Then, L reveals himself to Raito at a college seminar!

I mean, really? Does that even happen?

L is next on my List. He is so…different, from the rest of the humans. L's a sort of-insomniac, eccentric kinda guy who absolutely is in love with cake. And candy. And most things sweet, in general. He always wears the same loose jeans and baggy shirt. Not to mention, if he doesn't sit crouched, with his knees pulled to his chest, his deduction and reasoning abilities drop. The most interesting thing about L, however, is that he is so _opposite_ from Raito, comfortable and childish and different, but he's still smarter than Raito. The first time Raito and I ran into him properly, I was so shocked by the differences and one basic similarity that I couldn't stop myself from cackling; Raito is shooting annoyed glares at me.

L and Raito meeting brings me to my next topic…

As Raito gets closer, joining the task force designed to catch Kira, battling with L, and trying to keep his secret identity hidden, one thing becomes glaringly obvious. To me, at least. That means most everyone else should know, considering I'm a shinigami; I know nothing about people except that they're funny and they die, eventually. Because I've lived in a desert wasteland my whole life. But, even I can see that L and Raito have some sort of thing for each other. It's genius love, I tell ya! Really, all those times they had those _seemingly _random mind games, and the constant tension around them both. And, of course, there was that infamous tennis match. Perhaps it started out as some kind of attraction thing, but then it transformed into a love-hate relationship, particularly during Raito's little venture into memory loss, as I noticed when he _finally_ decided he needed me again. There was nothing to do for the longest time.

Because it's not like Raito's already messed up or anything, what with his love for the guy he's trying to _kill_, he has this "girlfriend" that he never does anything with who just _happens_ to have a shinigami and death note of her own. Raito's only using Misa, though. He only keeps her around in the vague hope that she'll meet L and find out his true name with her shinigami eyes. I guess it was justified, considering it almost worked, but _still_. Misa and her shinigami Rem, however, have no idea of this. Misa chooses to mostly ignore it, clouded by her misjudgment of Raito's character and her love for him. Rem merely loves Misa and only wants her to be happy, even if that means letting her be used, even though she'll probably get hurt more for it in the end.

Even I can see that Raito doesn't care! If we can recap here: I know nothing nor do I care about anyone, and I can still see this. Weird. It makes for more amusement, though, some I'm okay with it!

But, then, just as this whole event is getting incredibly interesting…Raito kills L. Rather, he tricks Rem into killing L _and_ Watari—what did Watari do to piss Raito off, anyway?—thus getting rid of the Rem threat as well. But, still, he _kills L!_ How does he intend to keep things amusing for me now? He doesn't give me enough apples to put up with this, of all things. _No amusement and few apples?!_ Seriously? My opinion on the matter doesn't seem to appeal to him, though.

After L's death, there is little that is interesting for a few years, which I find incredibly boring. Raito now poses as L, and he and the task team thing "search" for Kira, with little progress, obviously. Then, when all looks lost and dull and boring (except for the apples!), L's successors appear. L has heirs. An orphanage full! Most of the inhabitants of the orphanage, however, don't seem to want to take up the L-candle, don't want to be a famous genius detective, but there are two who seem bent on being L. Because, that's not obsessive. No. Not at all.

Thus, we come to one of my favorite topics. The mini L's.

The first of the people clamoring for L's position, besides Raito that is, is a kid who dresses all in white named Near. Near was number one at Wammy's—the orphanage/L factory—and has access to a special force to capture Kira called the SPK, which encompasses some of the FBI and other various special agents. What is it with humans and letters and abbreviations like "killa"?

The second of the people who want L's job as head detective, or whatever, is a guy who dresses in all _black_ named Mello. Mello was number two at Wammy's—which seems to annoy the hell out of him—and has access to…the mafia, which he is using to try and capture Kira.

Why can't they work together? I have no idea. Why are they working against each other when they are working towards a common goal? I don't care. Why do I pay attention to all these silly details? It's so funny!

So, the fight between Near, Mello, and Kira begins.

Near, conveniently being called L1, decides to call Raito, who he deduces is Kira due to L's belief, out by declaring that he knows Raito isn't truly the real L and by implying that he, Near, is the real L now that the real L is really dead. Making him L droid number one, or L1. Raito, due to his ego issues and his God Complex, does not take well to this and sees it as a challenge comparable to the mental fights he had with L. Therefore, he feels as if he absolutely has to either bring Near down completely or humiliate Near utterly. Or both. Preferably both.

Mello, who I've dubbed L2, also deduces that Raito is Kira _also_ due to the fact that this is what L believed. On the contrary to Near, Mello takes a more drastic action to defeat Kira by kidnapping Raito's little sister Sayu, with the help of his mafia pals, in order to obtain one of the death notes—which L1 and L2 both know of—and understand all its effects and abilities. Mello does this because he believes that he should take over L's detective legacy, which would make him L droid number two, or L2. Raito doesn't take well to his sister being kidnapped and ventures out with the original task force to take back his sister. They retrieve Sayu but lose the death note.

Raito? Yeah, he was pretty pissed about that. I suppose he relates it to losing one of the few physical fighting incidents between him and L.

Consequently, with Near in contact over a headset network, Raito and the task force storm the building Mello and the mafia are in a few days after the Sayu/death note exchange. Raito's dad, justice-loving Soichiro, foolishly performs the shinigami eye deal with me, not knowing that the deal puts his life on the countdown towards the end. Alas, they still storm the warehouse building thing, only to have their plans melt before their eyes. Mello's men seem prepared for this and everything is thrown out of whack, for both sides. Raito's dad makes it to Mello. He sees Mello's real name, but is apparently unable to write it down in the death note because of…morals or something foolish like that. He ends up being shot to death. But, Mello still ends up being cornered by the rest of Raito's team.

But, what's _really_ amusing is that it doesn't end there!

Mello blows the building up.

Near's the only one who doesn't seem horribly surprised.

After those major events, the Kira case is a mess of allies and enemies and allied enemies and whatnot. Near and Mello close in on Raito, who has found a new follower by the name of Takada. Me? I mostly sit back and munch on apples, which are truly amazing fruits. They are. So red and juicy and not-dead! I don't get enough of these for the boredom Raito puts me through.

That's beside the point, though.

Apples, though? They're awesome.

One of the only truly interesting things to happen throughout the Kira hunt at this point was the discovery of another death note holder. He has a death note, yes, and sort of knows a shinigami, though the shinigami doesn't have any responsibility towards this him. This person was born with shinigami eyes, so he says, and a shinigami simply discovered this and figured he should be given a death note to go with the eyes.

This person is Mello's companion, Matt.

Like I said, this was one of the most amusing things that happened to me. Meeting a human who was born with shinigami eyes already intact? And, having him tell me of another character, B—another L droid that accidently went awry—that also possessed these eyes? That is something pretty odd, and I have seen a lot of odd things on this earth. What's more, this person has had a death note since the very beginning, didn't tell L of it, hasn't told either Mello or Near, and doesn't wish to use the death note or to challenge Raito.

I met Matt when Raito was in the area near Misa, planning with Takada and Mikami (an obsessive, Kira-stalker fellow). Matt was following Misa, via Mello's orders on the suspicion that she was the second Kira, when he ran into me. Since he has the eyes of a shinigami, he was able to see me. I suppose he took it pretty well, except for an excessive amount of blinking. Almost immediately, he ditched following Misa and beckoned me to follow him. Considering I live in eternal boredom most of the time, I followed because I wanted to know why a human could see me.

Matt told me about how he and B had agreed they'd had shinigami eyes since their respective births, since they couldn't remember ever not having them; that was saying something, Matt said, because he and B could remember back very far. Whereas B felt like he had a right to kill people when they were near death since they were about to die anyhow, Matt didn't think much of seeing people's names and lifespans, except for the fact that it felt reminiscent of a video game or fantasy world. He did however mention that he saw most everyone involved in the Kira case had a lifespan dwindling towards the end; including Mello's, which Matt thinks means that he'll be dying soon as well, since he figures going down with his best friend in a quest to save the world from a preppy guy with a God Complex is climatic enough to be gamer-acceptable. And, he only kept up his smoking habit because he knows he's going to die soon enough anyway.

Humans are odd, and everyone I meet just keeps rectifying that.

The kid plays Mario Kart—the only game he likes that isn't horribly challenging, he says—so I suppose he's the best human I've met so far. After the semi-serious discussion we had about impending doom, he talked more about video games and gave me apples. I'm calling it family bonding. But, whatever.

Then, after that, there is more planning to be done from all sides.

This is where things begin to spiral into madness and action.

Raito more or less pays the most attention to Near, seeing as Mello has all but dropped off the radar. Raito utilizes Takada and Mikami, both of whom are unhealthily obsessed with him, to trick Near into believing that Mikami really does have a death note, when he only has a fake one. Raito is convinced that Near has completely fallen for this plan, because he keeps getting those half-smirk, half-snarl expressions on his face. That's where Near and Mello's plans come in and merge…

Mello and Matt kidnap Takada, knowing that this will help Near's plan and that this may be the only way to win against Kira. When Takada arrives at the studio, getting out of car to go inside and do a news story on Kira _again_, Matt and Mello aren't far behind. Matt, skidding on the scene in a red car, fires a smoke bomb at Takada and her bodyguards, before speeding away in his car. Takada's bodyguards, suspecting an assassination attempt, hop into their suspicious and sleek black cars and speed after Matt. Mello, meanwhile, pulls in on a motorcycle and convinces one of Near's agents, Halle—who is acting as Takada's bodyguard—to hand Takada over to him. Takada, for some reason, believes this is just another plan made by the TV company to ensure her safety and is thus surprised when Mello handcuffs her to him, which insinuates that she has been caught as Kira number…I lose count of how many there are now.

With Mello towing Takada off and Matt throwing her bodyguards off the trail, Raito should be freaking out and pacing, but instead he has that calculating look in his eyes, the one that means he has thinking. The one that means he has a plan. Still, though, Raito must think while pretending to be worried and leading the original task force in rescuing Takada. Along the way, his eyes clear and his expression intensifies and he begins to take action. He sees this as an opening for him, a way to get rid of Takada and an L droid opponent with a single death note entry. Raito figures that he can get rid of Takada and trick her—using his charm over her and her belief in him—to write Mello's true name on a scrap of death note, which Raito asked her at the beginning of their relationship to keep with her at all times. Obviously, he doesn't cast much thought to Matt, seeing him only as Mello's helper and assuming that he will be shot down by Takada's guards.

So, as a recap, Raito's plan is for Mello to be killed by Takada, who kills Mello because of the death note's influence before dying herself by Raito's hand. Again, Raito apparently didn't really care what happened to Matt.

I guess Raito's mind was slipping under the pressure of being a "god".

And, so, Raito begins to ensure his plan's success, making calls to Takada and giving her instructions on how to escape (fake), leading the Kira task force on a rescue mission (false), worrying over Takada's safety and how this incident will affect Kira's capture (negatory), and quietly congratulating himself on winning against Mello (wro—oh, wait, that one's true).

In Raito's happy little world of justice, his plans work flawlessly.

In reality, his downfall is approaching.

Go figure, huh?

A few days after these particular events, Raito and Near are scheduled to finally meet each other in person in an abandoned warehouse. Raito shows up with the task force of Ize, Aizawa, and Matsuda, while Near shows with his team of FBI-three plus Mogi of the task force. Because both of them are oh-so-clever, Raito and Near have tricks up their sleeves and countless hidden assets ready to be used. And, of course, there's me. But, I don't care who wins so what does that matter? Unless, Matt shows up. The kid plays video games and gave me apples; there is a _bond_ now. You hear me? A _bond_.

Or something else that is disturbingly and hilariously human.

While I'm on the subject of intersecting task teams, as well as having disrupted the story's sequence of events beyond repair resulting in inevitable awkward-ness, I will indulge myself and rant once more on…the original Kira Task Team! Most of them, at least. The ones that are still alive. First off, we have Ize; that guy…what can I say? He blows the team off first and then decides tons of time later that he'll be a good student and participate in good teamwork. Aizawa: passionate guy, I will admit, but he freaks out over _everything._ Really, can we all not just relax, eat apples, and be merry? Lastly, but not least, is…Matsuda. Ah, now, how can I describe—what can I say about—just how does one put the essence of Matsuda into words? I'm a shinigami, a peculiarly odd one at that, and I don't even know. The man's something of a supreme optimist, not as stupid as people make him out to be, friendly-as-can-be to no end, and half a spaz, among other things.

Raito? We've been over his role in this plot already.

The climax is near!

…Literally.

This is my final major rant topic, besides the glorious apples. The final showdown to this whole mess of Kira, L, and their respective droids. I have to say, I found everything perfectly amusing at the meeting in the deserted warehouse thing, though most everyone else seemed to think the whole process was incredibly serious. Disregarding Near, that is; protected by a mask though they were, I could still sense his eyes watching me when I followed Raito in, could see it in the way his head titled slightly, in the stillness that momentarily overtook him. Whoever said shinigami weren't attentive? They _lie_, I tell you.

The faceoff is a tense affair to these humans. Raito goes off on a tangent on how Near is unworthy to wear the mask of L—Raito still harbors feelings for that man, I guarantee—and how he should show his face as the rest of them have dared to. Near relents easily enough, pulling the mask from his face to reveal eyes that rival L in their knowledge, and a spark ignites in Raito's eyes. He's busy supposing that another of his plans is on the verge of glittering success. Near seems to recognize Raito's brief emotion and turns his head slightly, connecting an unnerving gaze with Raito's own calm one.

Mikami lurks outside the door, pen poised in ink-stained fingers, glasses sliding slightly down his nose, eyes gleaming madly, wide grin lacing his face. The two men and woman of Near's team have tense, closed expressions. Mogi, behind them, appears torn between which side of the room, which team, he belongs too. Ize and Aizawa have steely expressions, both focusing on Mogi. Matsuda truly looks nervous, perhaps because he realizes that something is off about Raito and that he is about to have his trust in this man shattered. Raito is ever calm, his eyes shining with the effort of hiding emotion. Near wears a cool expression, pale eyes ever so slightly narrowed.

There are a few moments where Near and Raito exchange words, and all of this is senseless to me because I'm busy waiting for the explosion sure to come. Then, it does, in the form of Near's voice calling out to the man behind the door, Mikami, to reveal himself. There is a certain reluctant moment where Mikami is quiet and does nothing of the sort, until Raito calls out for him to enter. Since Raito is apparently nothing short of a god, Mikami obeys "Kira-sama" obediently, slipping through the doorway to join the crowd of people. There are gasps of shock and widening eyes and flashes of worry in everyone but Raito and Near…and me, but I'm always smiling, so how is anyone to know?

Raito asks Mikami carefully yet forcefully when he wrote the names down, how many seconds had already passed, how long until they were to perish, all the way desperately attempting to not laugh. Mikami answers. The countdown, or countup, begins. It is a tense atmosphere, each team expecting a certain outcome, each person wondering. Except for one person who silently prepares for supreme reign, while another waits for the killer's ultimate downfall. As the seconds proceed through the realm of thirties, the tension in the room rises, to where the tension could be sliced neatly with a knife.

So much drama!

At the last second, Raito cuts his eyes toward Near, connecting their gazes solidly, to hiss, "Victory is mine Near."

A quiet smile slides onto Near's face.

Everyone stays alive. Everyone is standing, except for the crouching Near. Raito's eyes widen in surprise and horror. Clearly, he wasn't expecting this outcome.

Near's eyes widen and there is laughter even in them now. Clearly, he was expecting to kick Kira viciously from his pedestal.

Near begins to explain to just how he and his team managed to fool Raito, explaining Mikami's fatal mistake regarding the death note and its hidden position at the bank. He goes over the various details, during which Raito begins to freak out, glaring, thinking, and Raito's investigative team stares in shock. Mikami freaks—control freaks fall hard, ya know—and looks to Raito for guidance, which only seems to set his guilt in stone _even more _than before. Near gives the order; Gevanni and Rester apprehend Mikami immediately. Raito proclaims the card of "Trap" but is let down as Aizawa says it's over and Matsuda falls to his knees. Mogi moves toward Raito with handcuffs.

And that's when Raito goes downhill.

If I can claim seriousness for a moment, I'd like to point out that it was a nearly tangible thing when Raito's sanity finally broke. It was something in his eyes that splintered with a resounding sort of crack. Something inside Raito finally gave. Or, perhaps I should say Kira finally gave. Raito, the real one from before Kira took over, died a long while ago, died with L.

Which, is perfectly acceptable, considering that thing they had for each other.

So, Raito, Kira, whoever the hell he is now, is cowering close to a wall at this point. Near begins to explain the process of fake notebooks and replaced pages, conveniently forgetting to mention _how_ he came into possession of the real notebook. Raito stares in shock, trying to find the missing link, wondering how Near has the real death note when Mikami only carried a fake one. Then, Near is talking about touching the real death note and focusing and saying someth—

Oh. He's talking to me. Well, huh.

"Shinigami-san, nice to meet you. I'm Near."

Ah, yes, introducing oneself to a maniacally grinning, floating shinigami is the best thing to, rather than freaking out. Humans, particularly the L-droid brand, are very interesting. With a chuckle, I reply, "Nice to meet you. I'm Ryuk."

Near responds, "If you look closely at this notebook, there are traces of a number of pages being ripped out…Does that mean, if one's name were written on those pages that were taken out, they would die?"

A good conversationalist always responds, despite Raito's scared and angry glares. "Yeah, they'd die."

That seems to be all the explanation Near requires, for he begins to ponder about the possibilities of removed death note pages and convicting Raito of being Kira with a certain finality. Raito is still speculating about how Near got a hold of the actual death note, when Near cuts into Raito's thoughts with a statement about the solving of the case all thanks to Mello. He explains how, because of Takada's being kidnapped by Mello _and Matt_, Mikami believed Raito couldn't move or act and therefore deemed fit to detour to a random bank and kill Takada himself, scheduling her death a mere minute after Raito himself had done. Raito, fierce, and Mikami, apologetic, connect eyes and seem to be having a silent conversation.

Have humans developed telepathy now, or what?

Near goes on to explain more, mostly about Mello's involvement in the case. Halle speaks up about some phone conversation with Mello, and Near takes the information and weaves it into his own supposed theories. Conversation continues, and Raito seems riveted.

I'm not paying much attention.

Truthfully, for once, my gaze is keeping a careful watch of the numbers dancing above Raito's head. They still haven't taken any sort of dramatic slide downwards, so I assume he's going to be stuck in jail for a while before he dies and I can be free of obligation. How boring.

Oh, wait, what's this? Raito is cackling madly now. Yes, the dam inside him has broken and the emotions are pouring forward and—What's this? He's admitted it! From his own mouth! Raito has just announced for Near and all to hear that he is Kira. It would be unbelievable if it wasn't happening, but Raito is finally unable to talk himself out of something. Kira is trapped.

"That's right," Raito says, "I am Kira. In that case, what will you do? Kill me here? Listen, I am Kira and also god of the new world. Right now in the world, Kira is law. I'm only preserving the order. This is our reality."

Great. Raito intends to prattle on even more. I need an apple.

Raito rants on, detailing his every thought on Kira's drawn out plans. He mentions the rot of the world and how someone needed to eliminate the evil. It seems as if he is intent upon simply driving the thought into Near's head that what he is doing is right and would be wrong stop. Near simply glares and declares Raito a murderer.

Now, Raito is thinking, I can see. It seems he is not quite done planning yet; but what, precisely, does he…That's right. The piece of death note in his watch. Tricky little devil, that human. He is simply searching for the right time to enact his hastily assembled plan.

As he waits, Raito begins concocting some plot or another involving the death note Aizawa carries and tricking Near into doubting its authenticity. Then Raito mentions something about actually testing the death note's authenticity. Near begins to respond to this sudden twist, when a sudden creaking noise feels the room with its sharp pitch. The large, ridged door that covers the wall beside the assembled group begins to slowly slide open. The top of the door slides into the waiting mechanic receptors on the ceiling, bits of rust floating down. Eyes are trained on the opening door, the people in the room all waiting with an expectant horror, thinking of yet another Kira that Raito has called in.

It's too bad Raito looks just as confused, while Near is smirking slightly.

Things are about to get interesting again! If only I had an apple.

First, boots appear, dark. Then comes gleaming leather and pale skin, the setting sun outlining the dark silhouette. Rising farther still, the door reveals shimmering gold, the color haloing out. The door comes to a grinding halt about halfway up, leaving enough room for the newcomer to waltz in without hitting his head. He strides in a few steps before spinning to yank the door down with his hands, until it is low enough to kick shut. He turns on his heel to face the surprised Kira task force, the stunned SPK, and a positively wide-eyed Raito.

"Hey, guys," Mello grins, "Miss me?"

He saunters over to where Near is crouched, brushing past Raito with blatant disregard, still grinning maniacally. Every but Near can't seem to stop staring in shock. Matsuda's mouth is even open.

Finally, things are looking up! I might have fun with this, yet.

Mello reaches Near and stops for a moment to regard him. Then, he pokes Near's hair and asks, "How goes the plan?"

It looks like Raito may be hyperventilating. This is great.

Desperately attempting to regain control, Raito spreads his arms and continues to speak about checking Aizawa's death note. He is at a loss now, not knowing what to do. He has no choice but to try and write Near's, and now Mello's, names on the scrap of death note waiting in his watch. It will be difficult, but Raito is actually _scared_ for once. I see Raito begin to open his watch, pressing in the little mechanism repeatedly. For a minute, it seems as if Raito is actually going to get away with this. Maybe he would have managed it, if not for the loud _klick_ the secret compartment makes as it opens.

Raito whips out a pen, from I-don't-know where, and begins to write Near's real name. Near's eyes widen in shock, and Mello shouts incoherently and steps toward Raito with the intent of stopping him. Rester cries, "A piece set in the watch!" Raito manages to get down Near's first name before a shot rings out. Everyone jerks and turns in surprise to stare at Matsuda, who has his gun pointed steadily at Raito. His pen spinning away, Raito clutches a bloody hand and screams at Matsuda, commanding him to shoot Near or the SPK or Aizawa, but not him.

Raito is falling to pieces here. He's screaming obscenely at anyone and everyone, control gone. This isn't like him at _all_, I tell ya.

Panting, Raito raises his bloody hand and messily scrawls the beginning letters of Near's last name. Matsuda readies his gun again, tears sliding down his face. The agents in the room move towards Raito as well. Suddenly, though, before anyone can react, yet _another_ person dives from the shadows, positioning a gun at Raito's temple, hissing, "Freeze, Kira."

Freeze Raito does, utterly shocked as the man yanks the scrap of death note from his grasp. The team is confused, having no idea who this particular person is. Mello's grin widens, and Near simply smiles.

Matt raises a hand to salute them, death note piece tucked against his palm, a grin to rival Mello's fixed on his face.

Raito, apparently no longer caring for composure, screeches, "Where the hell did you come from?!"

Rolling his eyes, Matt says, "Tch. Oblivion, dude."

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

I can't help but chuckle here, because this is amazingly funny.

Matt shoves Raito away from him, causing him to stumble and fall to the floor, and walks over to where Mello and Near are clustered. Matt passes the scrap of death note to Mello, who sticks it into his pants pocket, which didn't seem capable of holding anything. Mello beckons Raito with his fingers and snarls, "If you want it, come get it."

Alright, seriously. Does this _really_ happen? Humans have a _twisted_ reality.

Raito is still half-laying on the floor, wide-eyed and terrified now, unsure what to do now that his last weapon is gone. The Kira task force move forward, Aizawa murmuring that they will apprehend Raito. Raito scuttles away from them, growling warnings at them, backing away across the stone floor, searching for something, anything. He comes across me.

I realise he is imploring me, saying, "Yeah, Ryuk. Write. You should write their names in your notebook!"

The whole room stares at me, their faces rapidly paling.

"Write, Ryuk. Now!!" That is Raito again, commanding and begging.

Then, the Japanese Kira task force members are taking out their guns and shouting, "Stop it, Ryuk!"

Near thinks for a moment and then speaks up, his head close to his drawn up knee, "If that shinigami, Ryuk, writes our names just because he was asked to…Then Kira, Raito Yagami, could've just asked to do so from the beginning, which means Ryuk won't give such help."

Raito gasps out, "Please Ryuk. You're the only one who can help me now. Please write the names!"

I smile and have to pause and think about what to do. I could write down the names of everyone here, and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't kill me. However, I see this as Raito's failure. I was waiting to see what card he would pull, how he would finish this incident. If all he can think to do is beg for my help, he's already fallen from his pedestal. This is simply a broken Kira, now.

Therefore…

"Yeah, I'll write." I raise my pen and flick my death note open. The agents in the room scream their surprise as Near and Mello glare at Raito and me. Matt simply blinks; he lifts a hand to push his goggles away from his eyes, revealing his eyes. Their normal green color shifts and transforms into red, focusing on the space above Mello's head intently. Matt smiles at what he sees and flicks a glance at the area above Near's head and relaxes further. He shifts and looks towards me, as the task force shoot useless bullets at me. Our eyes meet, and my grin widens as he nods. Matt slips the goggles back down, adjusting them over his eyes once more, tinting them in orange.

Meanwhile, Raito is cackling madly and babbling about how Near should have killed him sooner, directing his laughter toward Near and Mello. He laughs at their imminent death. I hate to burst his bubble, but—

"Nope, Raito. It's you who is going to die."

Raito gasps, "Ryuk, you…Stop it!"

He dives toward me and through me, as I write. "It's your loss no matter how you look at it, Raito. I was expecting to see how you could make your way through all of this, but you leaned on me. You're finished. However, we did get rid of each other's boredom for a long time…" I'm finished. "I've enjoyed this."

When I show him his name, the reality of the situation sinks in for him.

"Stop it!" He shrieks. "I don't want to die!"

I explain, "Take a good look at yourself, Raito. I mean, this isn't like you at all. Didn't I tell you in the beginning? I'll be the one to write your name when you die. This is the deal that is made between the shinigami who brought the notebook into the human's world and a human who possesses the notebook. If you are cast into jail, I will never know when you'll die. It would be annoying to wait until your death. You are finished. You'll die here."

Raito seems to be in denial. The task force watches him crumble, Matsuda looking sad. Near's team looks on silently. Near peers out at Raito through his hair, mouth slightly opened. Mello observes with narrowed eyes, fingers twitching slightly at his sides. Matt is waiting for the numbers above Raito's head to tick down to the last moment.

His heart stops. Raito falls from his position on his knees, to lie on his back. Kira's death here reminds me of when L died. I suppose, somehow, it is fitting.

It's over.

I close my death note and put it away. The task force looks lost, their leader fallen, and even the three SPK members seem entranced in the silence. Near collects the death notes and stands, turning to face Mello and Matt. Mello dips his head, and Matt places a hand on his companions' shoulders. They talk in hushed voices for a moment, before turning to face the collective agents and me. Near gives out orders, asking his team to call in favors with private clinics to come and take away Raito's body; he suggests to the task force, who knew Raito personally, that they call Raito's remaining family to make funeral arrangements. Mello stops Aizawa and quietly requests the death note; because of the look in Mello's eyes, Aizawa hands it over numbly, methodically unstrapping it from his chest. As the task force departs to presumably think things over, Matsuda still crying silently, Near turns to his team. Rester is missing, calling the clinic, but Gevanni and Halle are still here. Halle is watching Mello intently, who is not paying attention, but is looking through the death note Aizawa had with Matt. Gevanni looks questioningly towards Near, nervously glancing every so often at me.

A part of me totally wants to raise a hand and wave at him.

Near dismisses Gevanni and Halle easily. He, Mello, and Matt stand for a moment, still in the silence. Then, Matt turns to face me, walking over. Near and Mello start before following him slowly. Once Matt reaches me, he pushes his goggles up briefly to squint at me, his green eyes flashing red when he studies my numbers. He fixes his goggles again as Mello and Near approach.

"Shinigami-san," murmurs Near, as an acknowledgement.

Mello regards me and mutters, "So you're the one who dropped the death note."

"And caused the Kira madness," Near adds.

I nod and say, "Yep."

There is a moment of silence before Near nods and Mello sighs, "Alright, then."

This is amusing as well. It feels like what Rem said talking to L felt like. Considering Near and Mello are L-droids, I guess that makes some sense.

Mello says, "Ryuk, we're going to destroy these death notes, so you can go…back, now." Apparently, he is making reference to Raito's death note as well.

"Yes," Near acquiesces. "Shinigami-san."

They turn to go as one, but pause when Matt makes no move to follow. Matt continues to study me before reaching into his vest pocket and pulling out (could it be? yes, it is!) an apple.

"Thank you," He smirks, tossing me the apple, "for your assistance."

The humans turn and leave.

I rise into the air and fly off, heading for the shinigami wastelands, munching on the wonderful apple. I think I'll miss them the most. Really. Great fruits. Undeniably so.

"Goodbye, Earth. It's been fun."

_Humans are interesting._

_..._

_And fun to rant about._

* * *


End file.
